Marciano's patented roundabout method for killing giant spiders

1. Get up from couch to go to bed.
2. On your way to bed, see giant spider on front door.
3. Pick up boot to smash spider.
4. Be a coward for five minutes and just stare at the spider instead.
5. Notice roommate’s shoe-cleaning spray on table.
6. Pick up spray and shake well.
7. Steel yourself mentally to gas spider’s tiny lungs with poison.
8. Be a coward for three minutes and just stare at the spider instead.
9. Pee yourself a little from the way it moves its legs.
10. Spray spider.
11. Watch spider fall to ground, alive.
12. Watch spider run for cover.
13. Resist the urge to run for cover.
14. Spray spider again to get it out from under the mop.
15. Repeat Step 14 at least six times.
16. Watch spider run from mop to other boot.
17. Drop the boot you are holding.
18. Kick the boot you were holding toward cover-boot, turning cover-boot a little.
19. Kick cover-boot over.
20. Find spider maimed from when cover-boot was turned on top of it.
21. Kick cover-boot, and all other things nearby that could be used for cover, out of the way.
22. Pick up sandal.
23. Hold sandal four feet above maimed, motionless, possibly dead spider.
24. Drop sandal.
25. Thank gravity.
26. Put foot in other sandal.
27. Stomp on the gravity sandal with the sandal you’re wearing.
28. Repeat Step 27 three times.

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