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The inaugural mailbag

March 9, 2012

It’s 1:12 AM on March 9 and ideas are running thin: I haven’t done anything of note outside of looking for jobs, it’s still too early in spring training to blab about baseball, the post about video games can’t be written in good conscience until I actually play one, excuses, excuses, excuses.

The truth is I’m way too self-conscious about my writing to post everything I think might be a good idea. So in order to make sure this place stays (becomes?) interesting to my friends and the casual—and probably lost—internetter, I censor myself a lot. But there is another way, in which I pilfer your ideas: the mailbag.

In the mailbag, you, the lovely reader, ask me the questions that torment your soul when you can’t sleep but don’t feel like masturbating to speed up the process. In the mailbag, I answer those questions, and you find peace. It would be in poor taste if I didn’t cite Bill Simmons of Grantland as an influence. As far as I know or am concerned, he is the Sugar Daddy of the mailbag format, as I’m sure many young, sporting men would agree.

Let’s get to it. Only four questions this time.

I believe you once wrote a dissertation on Marxism in Dr. Seuss books. Care to share your thoughts on this? I’ve always been intrigued. I was also hoping you could help us all to understand the question plaguing our minds: IS Sig Chi on the rise?

– Molls Balls, Squaresville

Your first statement is misleading. I never wrote such a dissertation; I merely flirted with you by adding some nonsense to an essay of yours when you weren’t looking. It worked too.

But fuck it, I’ll give this the old college try. I went to JSTOR and searched “seuss marxism.” Nothing. I did the same on Google and found part of an essay on One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish, but it doesn’t deserve a link. I learned that Green Eggs and Ham was banned in China from 1965-1991 for its portrayal of early Marxism, according to the Huffington Post. I don’t know about that. All I remember is two guys, a dish and a bunch of potential mealtime settings. Maybe the green eggs and ham is communism, and we would all like it if we tried it. But then the PRC wouldn’t ban it. Of course, you have the anti-consumer sentiment of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, something I noticed on my own and did not read on Wikipedia. But that’s slightly different, and beneath me.

As for your second question, I would have to say no, since I only went to one of their parties this semester. But I’m not the expert, so you should ask Frat Scout Kunal. Maybe he’s on twitter.

I’m also still a little shaky on the concept of Marxism in Dr. Seuss books. More clarification on this would be greatly appreciated.

– Banana, Unoriginalsville

I will literally answer any question and you wasted yours on a repeat—lame. Thanks for reading, though! Keep that up please.

How would you describe Pablo Sandoval’s weight using libelous hyperbole and exaggeration?

– Dylan M, Wrigleyville

It depends. There are really three Sandovals—2009, 2010, 2011/12—and only one is deserving of libel and exaggeration (so far as anyone is deserving of those things). The first Sandoval could be called pleasantly plump without fear of legal repercussion. I’d wager he weighed around 250 and he is the one who took San Francisco by the balls. Literally everyone loves a big fella who can hit, and Giants management smartly exploited this and the ridiculous nickname Zito gave him, Kung Fu Panda. They marketed the shit out of him, turning him into a cash, er, cow. In Sandoval they found a marriage of San Francisco’s two largest minority groups: Latinos and Chinese-Americans, for his heritage and namesake, respectively. Now Panda hats are the fourth-most popular article of clothing in the city, after Vans, Toms and Converse All-Stars.

2010 Sandoval was rotund, probably 280 lbs. Oops, I messed that up—I meant 820. His bat speed slowed. He became susceptible to high cheddar, and I mean both the fastball-up-above-the-strike-zone and the premium-quality-cheese varieties. His average dropped so severely that he was basically a non-factor in the playoffs, relegated to the bench most nights behind Mike Fontenot’s impotent bat. After the season, the bench requested to be traded. Those were dark times indeed.

But wait! 2011/12 Sandoval is beefy, burly, sturdy, strapping! He dropped down to around 235 lbs., which was low enough for him to become a very good defensive third baseman, and that’s just super. That plus his return to form in the batter’s box made him by far the best third baseman in the NL, according fWAR (Wins Above Replacement as calculated by fangraphs.com), minimum 450 PAs. All reports indicate that Pablo is around the same weight this year.

What would be worse? Reaching into your pants in the morning only to find out a mouse with a 7 inch tail has been occupying your pants for the last 4 hours, and has had babies who now occupy your mattress, or watching a 6 hour documentary on the hardships Dan Montgomery has gone through in his life?

– Molls Balls’ Balls, Basking Ridge

I’d have to say the mouse thing. I’m not particularly afraid of mice, but one with a tail longer than my most penises would have to be the Vin Diesel of rodents. Plus, I imagine sleeping on a mattress filled with mice would be not only creepy but uncomfortable—kind of like a swirling-water bed because they would be frantically trying to escape. I’m assuming that’s what you meant, but even if you meant the babies are all over the top of the mattress with you it’s a no. The girl Vin Diesel mouse had babies while I was sleeping there so I’d be partially contaminated with mouse afterbirth and spilled mouse milk. Plus at least 60% of those mice will have pissed and shat by the time I wake up, making me totally not kosher to any cannibal Jews.*

Frankly, I don’t think Dan Montgomery has gone through enough hardships to merit a 6-hour documentary. I doubt he has gone through any hardships, actually. The director of this movie would be forced to include all the failures of the Mariners, Seahawks and SuperSonics just because there is no other material.  I think I might enjoy the movie, especially if there are a lot of shots of little Dan’s face as his teams lose in heartbreaking fashion. Plus, once he gets into college, a lot of those hardships would be you and I making fun of his hairy feet and romantic escapades with dance-floor ladies. I’m sure at least half of our jokes are still funny, and might even be funnier when viewed on the big screen.

*I say this with no idea what kosher really means.

Please leave more questions in the comment section.

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From → Mailbags

11 Comments
  1. Molls Balls permalink

    And to think that this whole time I thought you were an expert on Dr. Seuss controversy. Psh. And I agree, I’m guessing a documentary on dirtbag’s hardships couldn’t last more than 45 minutes, including shitty sports teams and constant vomiting.

    But while I’m thinking about Dirtbag, would you rather eat 4 lbs of salmon or one hair from Dirtbag’s foot?

  2. Molls Balls' Balls permalink

    Personally I’d go with the mice. I pictured the documentary more of as a movie narrated by a Dirtbag apologist, basically a more sophisticated and non-word slurring Dirtbag bitching for 6 hours.

  3. Dirtbag Apologist would be a good indie band name. I don’t really know hipsters too well but I think they’d like that.

  4. GraNola Bar permalink

    a terrorist organization takes you and the giants travel bus hostage. (you happen to be there because you were writing a op-ed on something..who cares). the terrorists are psychotic but very intelligent and observant. they notice that not only are you a young reporter, but they infer and deduce that you are a giants fan to the core. they give you the option of letting everyone on the bus go and they will disappear… if you cut off the hand of either lincecum or posey. this is a career ending injury, there is no possibility that modern science can save the hand. what do you do?

  5. GraNola Bar permalink

    everyone dies…slowly…you last so that you suffer in anguish knowing you could have prevented the pain.

  6. GraNola Bar permalink

    next question. if you had to assemble an all-star baseball squad, who would you pick? they can be from any era, however, you cannot pick more than 2 people for the same team. Example: You pick Babe Ruth and Johnny Damon, now you cannot pick any other person who has ever played for the sox or the yanks. Minor league play and who they were drafted by doesn’t count.

  7. Dan permalink

    This was my interview question…curious how youd answer. How would you explain the increased success of mid-majors & the decline of pwr conf. like the pac10/12 over the past couple of years?

  8. GraNola Bar permalink

    i want my questions answered. i have been patiently waiting by my computer, hitting the refresh button every hour, every day for months now. i will not allow you to cast my questions aside.

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