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March 28, 2012


The 2012 MLB season began today at 3:10 AM Pacific Time. The Seattle Mariners beat the Oakland Athletics 3-1 in 11 innings somewhere in Japan, probably Tokyo or its anagram friend, Kyoto. I hear Osaka is a dump. Dustin Ackley, starting second baseman on my AL-only fantasy team*, hit the first home run that counts this year.

*Benevolent Bombers out to repeat as champions, bitches!

I would show it to you, but doesn’t let you embed recent videos. Here’s a fucking photo essay instead:

Handsome Dustin Ackley has a nice white face. You can build a franchise around that face.











"Whoa, dude. What's with the latent racism?"
















Sorry Dustin, but it’s true. Think about it: How many nonwhite players are the face of their franchise? Albert Pujols is one, Ozzie Guillén another. Both their teams are in areas with a large Latino population (granted, Pujols used to be in a place that is not like that). I think I might look into this later. You’re right about one thing: I should be talking about you right now.

Dustin switched to a tougher workout regimen in the offseason.

Mickey taught him how to catch lighting and go yard, but not the finer points of acting. Oh well.

Let us turn to the other principal actor concerned, Brandon McCarthy.

Whoa, Brandon, easy on the teeth. You definitely can't do handsome like Handsome Dustin Ackley. Why don't you try something else?





















Brandon spent his offseason living the glamorous life—fast money, fast cars, fast women. He posed for magazine covers with models, and by “models” I mean “a model.”

And by "a model" I mean "his wife."
















Needless to say, even though it is being said, Brandon’s life choices damaged his other relationships.

As we all have known since our days as lads and lasses, in sports the good guy—the hard worker, the role model, the wholesome up-and-coming superstar—always wins, and the bad guy—the unattractive, groundball-inducing journeyman who is called lazy and decadent by libelous bloggers—always loses. Thus when Brandon did this…

…Dustin did this…

























Power trot.


















Handsome Dustin Ackley is such a thing to behold that umpires rotate their torsos to better behold him.












A gentlemen's gentleman's handshake.

Handsome Dustin Ackley earns a permanent place in the hearts of men.














Later, the side of the emotional spectrum that H. Dustin Ackley will never know is on display in the visage of Brandon McCarthy after the game, after A’s Manager Bob Melvin sent him to timeout in front of the team’s portable dirty-stucco wall.









Things will only get worse for Brandon after he reads this post on his snazzy phone.













Thank you for finishing the photo essay. Here is Tupac’s “Heartz of Men”


From → Baseball

  1. David Ortiz has often been the face of the Red Sox, but my favorite franchise has a lot to make up for, as they were the last team to integrate, and were really pretty bad so long as the Yawkeys owned the team.

    • I’ve been sort of completing this list in my head since I wrote that, and for the Red Sox I would say either Pedroia, Youk or John Henry. I think Theo was when he was there, especially after the second World Series, because that was a completely different team than the one that won the first, which is mostly attributable to him.

      • Yeah, I don’t think Ortiz is the face of the franchise anymore. I would probably say Pedroia, but that might just be because I want him to be it. He’s a lot of fun to watch.

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