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What the readers want

April 17, 2012

The WordPress dashboard is pretty cool. It shows me recent activity, how many viewers the site gets and other fun information like that while also providing neat tools to improve the blog. But I didn’t realize the greatest thing it does until today.

“Top Searches” is a header I just noticed on the dashboard. I assume it shows the top things searched in the bar to the right. These terms were listed underneath it:

suspenders masturbation, excel spreadsheet for physician monthly expenses, maalik wayns, heath hembree, buster posey’s bulge

It would be folly to deny the yearning reader his or her deepest yearnings, so here:

  • suspenders masturbation – People have been masturbating since the dawn of time; people have been masturbating in suspenders since the dawn of suspenders. I was a fool to ignore the suspendered masturbators, the largest chunk of my readership, for this long. Combine the fact that this site is on the front lines of the pro-suspenders movement with sexy people of both sexes me ever-present on the banner, and you’ve got a whole mess of yearning. I’m sorry for having frustrated you for so long.

  • excel spreadsheet for physician monthly expenses – Uh, okay.

  • maalik wayns – Maalik was a Villanova fan favorite last season for not being as bad as everyone else. Then he declared for the NBA Draft and Villanova fans alternated between bitterness over his departure and mocking him for being a borderline prospect, at best. The following graphic probably captures the general attitude. Someone still at school can let me know if I’m right.

  • heath hembree  The kid is blowing up like Brian Wilson’s elbow. I already told you what I thought about him, and I’m assuming you read that since you searched for him so damn much, so now let me tell you what I don’t think about him: he is in love with Melky Cabrera, he eats his boogers when feeling tired and depleted on the mound, he will pick No. 69 when he gets called up, he thinks sparklers are the best fireworks (if you can even call them that), he collects Mayan artifacts in the hope that Q’uq’umatz will spare him come the apocalypse and he currently has a wad of chewing gum hidden in his pubis that he doesn’t know about.
  • buster posey’s bulge – I’m no bulge scout, but these two images seemed the best for potential bulge action from the top results on a Google image search.

Age-appropriate, college bulge

I swear I did not make these search terms up to be funny. Some of your reading brethren had very specific yearnings. They know who they are. Now you know how to get me to write things you want to read.

  1. Balls-less Molls permalink

    Those bulge pictures don’t even have bulges. Whoever searched that has to be at least mildly disappointed.

  2. Balls-less Molls permalink

    I said whoever searched that, which is not I

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